After Story 72
Why was it?
She was reminded of the relay race she did in middle school. It was a cross-year race, and having been picked as a runner, Dawoon practiced starting a month before the school sports festival in order to win. She couldn’t remember how many laps she ran around the field. It was back when she realized just how fast the soles of training shoes could wear out.
What she thought as she ran was herself being applauded by her cla.s.smates.
Her record improved over the span of that month. She was sure about her victory. As long as she did not make a mistake, it would be she who would cross the finis.h.i.+ng line first.
On the day of the sports festival, Dawoon clenched her teeth as she looked at the forerunner coming from afar as the last runner. Another runner from her cla.s.s ended up falling over before she could receive the baton. She was slow and even made a mistake.
While the runners from other years, who were standing on the same line as her, started running on the track, Dawoon couldn’t do anything but wait on tiptoes.
She ran with all her might after receiving the baton, but the result was that they were last.
She was frustrated. She prepared her best for the sports festival. She practiced by herself, pus.h.i.+ng away offers from her friends to go to noraebang together and to go shopping together.
She had the confidence to win. It wasn’t just confidence, she had the skills as well.
Yet, she was last.
Not because of her mistake, but someone else’s. If someone else was the runner, if that girl didn’t make a mistake, the victory for the cross-year relay race would be hers.
Dawoon looked at the profile box in front of her eyes. The plastic box looked like a baton to her. How many of those people would have put in ‘true effort’ among those numerous profiles? Was it really right to get an equal opportunity just because they handed in their applications? Before that, was it really justified that there were profiles of other students on top of the ones who were actually good?
Dawoon thought about the girl who fell over on the track. She thought about the bad girl who blamed others for her misfortune.
Her hands moved. She removed about half of the profiles from the box. She placed them on the table and looked for two names: Choi Seungah, Jung Dawoon.
She looked for a while before finding them around the middle. Dawoon put her and Seungah’s profiles at the very bottom of the box. Then she grabbed a chunk of profiles. She opened the bag and stuffed them in it. This was a process to receive a fair opportunity.
She and Seungah-unni were better than anyone else going to the same acting school. Wasn’t it natural for opportunities to go to those with more skills?
She fixed the crooked profile box and closed her bag. Her bag had become heavy in an instant.
The moment she took a step away from the table and breathed out, her lower stomach hurt. Her thought process, which had been entrapped by the school track, returned to reality. Fear pressed down on her neck.
Just what have I done? — Her fingertips shook. Dawoon groaned and opened the bag. She had to place them back before she did something regretful.
Just as she reached into her bag and grabbed the profiles, her ears, which had become sensitive, caught steps approaching the office. She took her hand off her bag and got away from the table.
“Dawoon.”
It was instructor Choi. Dawoon felt like she was sweating cold from her forehead. She touched her forehead, but there was no sweat.
“Are you done with practice?”
“Yes. Instructor Miso told me to tell you before leaving.”
“You could’ve just gone. Were you waiting for me?”
“Yes.”
“What a kind girl. You turned off the lights, right?”
“I did.”
“Okay, then. Get going. It’s getting late.”
Dawoon looked at the profile box on the table in a daze before turning around. Her bag felt so heavy that it might adhere to the ground at any moment. She had to take this home?
“Dawoon.”
Just as her left foot was about to step outside, instructor Choi stopped her. Dawoon felt like she was on the edge of a cliff. Did she get caught? What should she say? Maybe beg for forgiveness?
She slowly turned around.
Instructor Choi was approaching.
In her hands was some chocolate.
“Eat these on your way home. The snow has piled outside, so watch out.”
“Oh, okay.”
“But hey, didn’t you push yourself a little? You look a little pale.”
“Maybe it’s because of the cold.”
She made an excuse surprisingly easily. She thought that she was someone who couldn’t lie, so she was surprised at herself.
“Yeah, it suddenly became cold yesterday. Alright, stay warm.”
“Yes, I’ll take my leave now.”
She closed the office door and hurriedly left the acting school. She only climbed down three flights of stairs, but she was gasping already.
Dawoon pressed down on the cover of her bag and walked. She felt like the eyes of everyone around her were on her bag.
Her heart beat loudly. She almost thought that it might jump out of her mouth. She walked without being able to think about anything. When she came to, she found herself on a street she had never been to.
She took out her phone. For about 30 minutes, she wandered around aimlessly.
She walked into the convenience store in front of her. She suddenly felt the cold overwhelm her all at once.
She grabbed her numb nose and bought something warm to drink, then drank it at the minibar.
What her nerves pointed at after she calmed down a little was her bag, or to be precise, the profiles in them. She couldn’t take them home like this.
She imagined getting found out before stopping. She felt like she was going to throw up.
“Please give me a trash bag.”
“We only sell them in lots.”
“Then I’ll take one lot. Give me the 20, no, the 50-liter ones.”
She grabbed the trash bags and left the convenience store.
It was nearly midnight, and since it was heavily raining, she couldn’t see anyone walking by.
She opened her bag while standing against the walled fences of a house and stuffed the profiles inside the bag. She ripped a bag open in haste, so she had to use another one.
Her hands felt cold. A sense of guilt shook her head. She felt a wave of regret, but what mattered right now was to throw them away without getting found out. She also put some trash she could see around into the bag so that the profiles could no longer be seen under the other trash.
She started walking again with the full trash bag. She walked about another 20 minutes to enter a totally different residential area. This place was about an hour away from the acting school. Here, she would not get found out by anyone.
Why was it that she was so concerned about the dashcam of a stopped car? Dawoon put her own bag in the pile of other trash bags. As she left the alley, she looked behind her several times, imagining that instructor Choi had followed her in secret and suddenly grabbed her shoulder.
Only after getting on the bus did the shaking of her heart become calm again.
Dawoon held her locked fingers against her mouth. She bit hard on her index finger with her front teeth.
It’s going to be okay, don’t worry – she repeated that to herself numerous times as she went home.
* * *
[Mom wants you here ASAP.]
That was a message that Bada sent early in the morning. He smiled bitterly as soon as he saw it. He had a hunch that his mother had found out.
When the public service advertis.e.m.e.nt went on TV as commercials from regional TV broadcast stations, on top of internet ad banners, Maru had a hunch that a day like this would come someday.
He arrived at his parent’s house and pressed the doorbell. He felt like he couldn’t just enter after putting in the pa.s.scode.
-Who’s there?
“Me.”
-Me who?
“Mom’s son.”
-My son? You’re talking about my son who should be in college, right?
“Did you hear from Bada?”
-I did. I didn’t know when the two of you got so close. You told her what you wouldn’t tell mom. I thought you were totally enemies, but I guess I was wrong. I’m wondering if I really gave birth to you.
“Mom, it’s cold outside. Your son’s going to catch a cold.”
After listening to the door lock opening chime, he pulled the door open.
His mother, standing on the porch, displayed her displeasure without hiding anything. Maru went inside, his shoulders shrunk up due to nervousness. He hadn’t done anything well, so he had to beg for forgiveness without making excuses.
“Mom.”
“Come in for now. And tell me properly.”
“Alright. I’ll tell you everything, so don’t glare at me like that. You’re going to poke a hole through your only son.”
“And what was that only son thinking to hide the fact that he quit college from his only mother?”
He was told that before he could even sit.
Maru stood awkwardly in front of the table. Was he supposed to kneel? Or come out strong?
“I thought I must be mistaken when fatty called me about it.”
‘Fatty’. That was the name of an old friend of his mother. She came to this house more than twice a week before he moved out. He now knew the source of the information.
Maru signed inwardly. She was a good person, but he resented her today.
“She told me that my son was on TV and that I should have a look. I was wondering what nonsense it was about. Why would my son be on TV? And on an ad no less? I thought it was strange, but it came from fatty so I had a look. She watched you as much as I did. There’s no way she was mistaken so I looked into it. But who would’ve known? My son is actually in an advertis.e.m.e.nt.”
“Mom, so….”
“Shush. I’m not done yet.”
His mother raised her index finger, indicating him to not talk until she was done.
He closed his mouth shut like an obedient dog. He couldn’t say anything even if he had ten mouths, so he could do nothing but listen.
“Yeah. You can shoot an ad. A healthy college student can do something like that. You might have gotten recommended by the college board for it. I thought that. I mean, my son looks pretty good. If I were to think that you shot it because of recommendations from professors, it doesn’t sound that strange, right? But fatty came over and talked about how you shot a film.”
Maur wiped his mouth with his hand. He knew why his mother’s eyes were aglare. He had lived a long time as a parent as well. He knew the disappointment of finding out something about his child through someone else.
Despite knowing that the child was a separate ent.i.ty and not his possession, he would feel agonized if he found out if ‘his child’ hid something from him.
That was just how a parent was.
“I flinched when I heard the word film. Bada was next to me back then. Mom has a good intuition, right? I gave her a glance and she turned away. I thought something must be up.”
“So that’s why Bada told you everything.”
“Not everything. The two of you have such a deep bond. She stayed quiet until the end and told me to go ask you. Though, when I urged her, she did tell me you quit college.”
“Bada is so loyal. But wait, she mentioned the most important thing, so I guess I can’t call it that.”
“You know that you aren’t supposed to be making jokes with mom here, right?”
He tried to ease things up a little but failed. Maru looked at his mother with an awkward expression.
“Did you really quit college?”
“Yes, I have.”
“Really?”
“I quit back in June.”
“June? Well done hiding it all this time then.”
“I’m sorry. I was planning to tell you after this year when things work out a little.”
“Sure you would. My lord. Is quitting college child’s play? What about tuition? What about all the time you spent studying? What about your future?”
“I came to that decision after considering everything, including what you said. I embarked on the right path before I wasted any more time and money on unnecessary stuff.”
“Studying is unnecessary? When everyone else does it?”
“At least to me, it is.”
“You really….”
Maru took out some cold water from the fridge and poured it into a cup.
His mother smiled at the absurdity and drank it.